i want to write about this somewhere, maybe i can get over it then

teenagers are interesting creatures, especially when in environments with the same people for many years, such communities develop interesting hierarchys. I understand why they act like that, partially self-protection, partially a way to feel better about themselves. they create in their minds the idea that what theyre doing is morally correct and they are above the Other in order to feel justified. at the end of their time together the two parties do not conclude the situation in any way, it would be too awkward. the Other is naturally scared of talking to these people about such things in order to feel concluded. the people either don't think of it that deep or find it easier to not say anything till the subject is to old to revive. the topic is deemed taboo, asking the Other would be embarassing for both parties.

would it have killed them to ask me?

is that too selfish a request?

i wish i could talk to any one of them about it. i wish i had trusted myself sooner instead of just believing i was being paranoid. i wish i had been direct. i wish someone had asked me

not even my friends

i imagine it was to some extent paranoia. they could not have been talking about me all the time. i understand what a paranoid creature i am, i felt like everyone was in on it.

i still remember them

"go ask *** then"

in many ways they were the real cowards. i never missed a day of school. i spent every lesson scared, wanting to die. i hated my body. it didn't work.

i still worry it doesn't

one of them is still in the class at my current school. we haven't talked.

due to both of us being late we ended up in a pair for the practical. the air was strained. it was awkward. i tried to be nice. i told him what to do. i felt really uncomfortable and scared

i'm at a good place in life right now. i always worry any of them could ruin it

rumors are a bitch, its undeniable.

the few people i have told about this made the assumption it was mostly girls who caused this.

this is false. The girls, with the exception of a few, at least kept it out of my paranoid ears. the same could not be said of the boys. i was already avoidant of those, but my hatred towards them was made more by their lack of care

i am okay with people gossiping about me, i only ask they keep it out of my ears

"** can't hear"

was that too much to ask?

this is maybe mildly misleading, i hate all of them. i don't want to, i want to move on. for some reason i can't. this is why i crave a conclusion to it all so badly

my situation is in no way unique. whether it was bullying or not is another thing. it still hurt. I still blame them.

i want to move on. but i want to know they feel guilt or regret what they did

of course the genius of it is the plausible denyability they have. i hate them all and i'm so sorry

it was mildly unpleasant for them. it felt like torture for me

"the silent killer"

it was so nonsensical it was almost funny. i could understand where they were coming from. it is funny. but oh my god i wanted to die the whole time

part of me always wished someone would bring it up, a teacher, a friend, anyone. no one ever did. i tried to approach it indirectly but i never recieved a conclusion. i never really felt supported by anyone, my family told me i was just imagining it

i felt like i would have done something for my friends, or at least asked them, if our positions were switched

i did my best but it was still hard

forgive me if this feels cringe reader